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Friday, October 30, 2009, 5:47 PM
"You broke my heart, you know that?!"
I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.
The word just suddenly appear alien, don't you think so?I cried on Monday, I cried on Tuesday, I cried on Wednesday, I cried the most on Thursday and I cried today. Mcm tak bosan gitu eh, nangisnangisnangis. I saw this coming, couldn't accept it then but I believe it now.
I'll be retaining next year, repeating the whole phase of Secondary THREE again. I feel so pathetic, seriously, I feel so ultra stupid. Because everywhere I go, people will tell me, "I'm so disappointed in you, I really am."
When I told Mummy about my results and how much I thought it was a good idea to build my foundation this way, she started crying and saying out loud, "All these while, Mummy thought you were hopeful, but you're the worst! YOU ARE A FAILURE! Why you so stupid?!"
Those words, hit me. I didn't know how to feel, what to say. I started crying, choking on my tears."Why are you so stupid?! You broke my heart, you know that?! Mummy don't sayang you anymore. You're the biggest disappointment in the whole family, Diyanah." Those words, keep repeating, over and over and over and over.
I've broken my mother's heart, I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure, I'm so stupid, I'm a very bad daughter.
I've broken my mother's heart, I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure, I'm so stupid, I'm a very bad daughter.
I've broken my mother's heart, I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure, I'm so stupid, I'm a very bad daughter.I've broken my mother's heart, I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure, I'm so stupid, I'm a very bad daughter.
I've broken my mother's heart, I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure, I'm so stupid, I'm a very bad daughter.
My whole life, I never thought I'd hear my Mummy say that to me.
Her words, it hurt, so much, so much, too much.
I had just wish she'd just vent her frustration on me with a cane or a belt, or just anything.
Just hit me,
just hit me,
just hit me.
I don't think it's the end of the world, really, I've seen so many people degrade themselves after their O's and go nowhere. Sometimes, the hardest things are the right ones. I'd have to accept this sooner or later.
I just wish I'd have the heart and courage to go up to my Mummy, hug her and apologize, but my family's not like that.
Mummy, I'm sorry, I love you. Don't give up on me, i beg you.
Assalammualaikum.
Sunday, October 25, 2009, 3:27 PM
Saturday, 24 October (:
Yesterday was a blast, i shall upload the rest of the pictures and elaborate later.
Pictures of gaaaaaameeee at Springfield. Apparently, it's the last match for the league or something?
Yeah, yeah.
Till I re-post,
Assalammualaikum.
Thursday, October 22, 2009, 5:46 PM
Vibe.
Currently at Mira's Place, damn, it's fun here tauuuu.
Karaoke, watch Videos, eat and gossip and update each other.
Apparently, LR's around me ((: Suke.
Amirah sound like a guy today, un`sexy, seriously.
Saturday, funfun? Will be looking forward to it.
Insyaallah, nothing bad will happen in school and that results will be fine, seriously hope so.
Okayokay, good luck to all who's taking O's ((:
Yay yay, exam over beb.
Happy got LR.
Oh, Hasroy said, "Happy One Year Anniversary!" yesterday.
*Anna gags and laughs out loud*
Assalammualaikum ((:
Sunday, October 18, 2009, 11:12 PM
That's all I'm after.
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Me and Emy didn't attend the birthday party at Jun's house. Sorry Jun ):
There wasn't any other going and I had plans tomorrow, so I stayed at home instead.
I watched a whole lot of the telly, ate mummy's Mee Soto and watched telly again. There was The Hill's marathon and Ben 10 weekend alien blast that went on for 8 hours, cool shit.
After which, i played the comp, and just erm, slacked at home? Yeah.
LR's going out tmr, like finally! Since the last Lr's day after me and Roy broke up, we havent celebrated any occasion together. There's so many things i need to update with you girls! Yayyay, can't wait for tomorrow! ^^ I need to shop and cam whore with my babies, ugh, rindu korang banyakbanyak taaaauuuu. So looking forward to it, haaaaa. Amirah asked me if we were going to, "makan makan ke jalan jalan ke lepak lepak ke, menyundal?" Stupid Minah, her words are so funny, haiyoyo. Can't wait, can't wait.
Will update this occ with pictures aye?
FUH.!!!
I'll be meeting Syahiran on Tuesday, heeha haaheeeeee! We'll be heading to the cinemaaaa, double date with Y and Emy kan? :D
Hahah, catching what Syahiran claims as, "Open bracket, 500, close bracket, days of summer." Which is actually just, (500) Days Of Summer.
Hahaha, Yan, Yan. Heeeheeeheee (:
I need to get myself a maxi dress and a new jacket. Ohoh, not forgetting new tops and bottoms. Damn, my clothes are already lessening and fading off. Shoppingshopping kay mummy? *Kening naik-turon-naik*
Till my next post,
Assalammualaikum.
, 4:06 AM
Sympathetic.
Went to my cousin's house today to visit her. Poor thing, she just came back from the hospital after having a miscarrige*
(Did i spell this one right? It looks wrong -.-")
Watched "Ghajini" there, it's a Bollywood movie. I fell in love with Aamir Khan there, fuh. His body was like super buff, I LOIKE. Hahah!
Otw there, I saw Ums, i would have noticed if i dad did not exclaimed his agony for teenagers being affectionate outside. I was pretty shocked but i wasnt ineested.
After about 8, we went off to Yishun to send my sister to some open house. I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A TREAT FROM MY DAD BUT APPARENTLY, HE DROVE OFF STRAIGHT TO SEMBAWANG, HOME. AND HE CLAIMED HE FORGOT. I kept reminding him for like every five minutes, tak sukenye!
Mummy gave me money to buy fast food since i was whining the whole house down when we reached home. Only my mother loves me okay, ugh! I feel like whacking my dad, upside down. *Yaaak dush!*
Afterwhich i called Syahiran, then he was like, "Where were you for the 'almost' two days?! Hahahah, kecoh lah that mat rep.
I had "FUN", go view my pictures! ((:
My cousin went to Japan, look!
I chatted with Faisal (No, no, not Faisal Hamid), and still am chatting with him.
Apparently, he's slow! Haha, he told me I needed to be straightforward, talking to him. Silly guy, shouldn't you be sleeping since you have work tomorrow MORNING? Oh, wait, I forgot, he sleeps like a log so he's afraid he'LL oversleep. He can sleep for 19 hours without waking up! Hhahaha! Omg, this is funny ^^ Nocturnal.
Have i effing told you that exam period's over?
And that school ends in two weeks?
Baik or what?!
Hahaha, hols shermols!
OHOH, DAMN,
PROMOS NOT YET REVEALED.
Tak sukenye.
In the meanwhile,
i'll just enjoy my hols.
Might be going to Jun's house tomorrow. Idk what's the plan. I'm still looking forward to Monday. And Tuesday too! If you're still wondering, love! I'm going to layan my messenger now.
Till the next time i post,
Assalammualaikum.
Thursday, October 15, 2009, 1:36 PM
One more day, and it'll be end.
Emy said, "I've got a feeling you'll retain. I KNOW I won't."
Piang, that hit me. Wahwah, sadsad.
Ugh, takpe. If i were to ever retain, i would be a goddamn failure. But at least i tried for this EOY, hehehe.
I'm going to do my art prep now, art's tomorrow. I had my Literature today, like about an hour ago. Damn, it was an ultra headache. I stressed myself out till the very last minute. Damn it laaaaaaa, stress siaaaa.
Haiyo, tmr got literature paper two after my 3hour art paper, long kan!
I don't like tau!
Ms Fernandez just texted me, she said, "Hello!? Your book reviews. Tmrw pls. Or zero :'((((("
Hahaha, cutekan.
Okay, i'm going to get ready. I think i'm meeting SYAHIRAAAAAAAN. Yay! Need to do my reviews and art, malas nye!
I miss uncleeeeeee! Uncleeeeeeeee! :'((
Assalammualaikum.
Monday, October 12, 2009, 2:25 AM
Unbelievable.
Days have been pretty mundane. I mugged a little, and i did a lot of watching of the telly today.
There's so many things i've noticed today. Maybe i've changed, maybe you've changed. I don't know. Whatever it is, i'll accept it. It'll happen sooner or later, i'm not afraid. Just don't know if i'll be prepared.
As much as i'm carefree it seems i'm always stuck in inferno hell, always landing in problems.
Tatawu la, these few days i've been pretty emotional. I get upset and frustrated easily. My mood seem to swing as though it is a pendulum, always changing, to and fro. I'll get angry for no reason and i'll fuss over the slightest change or problem.
What's wrong with me? Am i the one pressing on the issue or is everyone just trying to test my patience? If this is a test, i feel like i'm giving up. I hope it stops cause it's making me feel useless already.
Everyone has been pointing out my flaws as if i don't already know the problem. My mum can't seem to trust me anymore and brother is forever sticking his nose into my problems.
Hais. Ade problem aje, no one to confide in. Tk sukenye. I have to have faith, i have to keep trying. Harus yakin kepade Allah, selalu bersabar. I have to.
Ashhy,
I can very well differentiate between right and wrong. As a friend you shouldn't be labeling me a hypocrite or unreasonable. If I was, you should've have guided me instead, you should have told me in a bigger picture. Instead, you made me feel guilty, like a sinner. You treated me as if I was not your friend. You never fail to make me feel this way. Your words, their always so hurtful that most of the time, i smile and talk loudly with you because i fear that you'll do it again and there would be no one to help me forget the issue and make me feel better. Is it so wrong for me to hate someone? When I hated H, it was because of you, it was because she made you upset, she killed your heart. And she was your own friend, whom you trusted whole-heartedly. I began to dislike her even though she had a pretty face. She looked a part but looks don't tell the truth. And because i saw the misery and hurt she had caused you, I felt that though I did not know her, I hated her for what she did to you. I hated her because I placed myself in your shoes. Instead, you said i was a bitch for hating her. Maybe i shouldn't get too attached to your life, stop getting involved in all your emotions cause you keep doing the same thing, shun me off. I hate being pushed away. But this time, i'm the victim and i deserve to feel what i feel. You don't know how it feels, so don't just say i'm unreasonable. I'm not unreasonable. I never dissed her or never have i hurt her in any way. My heart may have a thousand words but i only left it to feel. If feeling this hatred is so wrong to you. Then i should just be you instead of myself. You ape telling me what to feel.
You point this out to me at the wrong time, you know i've not been emotionally sane these weeks or months. If my words have made you feel apart, i'm sorry. You'd have to empathize and feel how i feel too. I said this not because i wanted to get back at you, i'm opening up to you.
I've been praying to Allah for guidance, Alhamdullilah, nothing big has occured and i'm handling situations optimistically.
I'll be having my History paper and English paper tomorrow, I gotta rest.
Hopefully, everything will be okay, InsyaAllah.
To everyone else who's handling their Promo's too, good luck :)
Assalammualaikum.
Saturday, October 10, 2009, 12:10 PM
EOY, damn it.
I met Syahiran yesterday, i was ultra happy. Yayyay!
Ashhy spent time with me and Emy.
Haiyo, Lr kemana, Amirah kemana?
I had my language paper one yesterday. I screwed up English, i think. I felt like zonking out when it started, wth kan? Mother tongue was okay i guess.
Going to study at Erica's house, ugh, im so sick of the word EXAM. Pfft, nevermind Anna, just a little while longer. Oh, we'll me mugging at night too! (:
I wonder if i'll ever get to meet Syahiran again. Today perhaps syg?
I still want my maxi dress, blogshops anyone?
Oh, oh, oh, oh. I want to tell the whole world that I don't like Umairah (:
Assalammualaikum.
Sunday, October 4, 2009, 10:45 PM
Youtubing, and this. Woah.
Oi, I was youtubing. Then i went to my Tagged account. Then I looked at my profile. I saw someone familiar, so i clicked uh. Then I saw THIS!
Hariz, Hariz, tak sangka suara you sedap.
Thought the, "Pemergian diriku kasih .." part, a little cock up, but i thought it was nice.
Very good, mat!
Heheh.
Till the next post, I love dunia!
Assalammualaikum.
Saturday, October 3, 2009, 10:59 AM
"Uh. Kae. Bye." -Haiyaaaa, so rude dey.
Yesterday, the friday.
Went for another Raya session with the guys instead, cause non of the girls were going.
Emy looked super nice, i really liked how she looked yesterday. Hothothot ((:
The thing was, we had planned to go town instead but i got screamed by, on the phone by most of the guys and i had to go and please them by saying, "Okay, aku and Emy pergi! Yayyay!"
It was mostly sincere, except for this part of me that wanted to sleep so much, sobsob.
We went to Firdaus' place first, well, for the rest it was their second house. Me and Emy came way later than the scheduled time. After which we went to Shahril's (AGAIN) and to Miss Aishah's house. Oh, not to forget, we went to Rashid the old man's houe LAST.
It was kinda short, but i liked it anyways. I was so tired because i had slept at four in the morn and had woken up at 6 to go to school and raya'ed till almost midnight. I slept at about 2? Yeah, and today, i woke up at 8.34 am, i remember because i was supposed to continue sleeping but my mummy needed my help. Quite a bummer, sobsob.
I'm meeting Syahiran today! Damn, i haven't baked the brownies yet. I'M SO LAZY. Haiyayayayayaaaa.
Assalammualaikum.
Friday, October 2, 2009, 3:41 AM
What happens to me?
I had intended to fall asleep, five minutes ago.
But instead, i rolled awake.
Because i finally had the guts to tell the whole world that,
I think I've developed some strong feelings towards Adib Syahiran.
Love is so cliche.
Damn it.
Assalammualaikum.
, 1:50 AM
Shit happens.
" i think im lost in life
the hatred inside me
is piling up
like those garbage is piling up in the dustbin
lost the faith
lost the love
when the day is done
everytime i bloghopped or listen to any kind of stories/gossips/rumours
there will always be a word that will appear in all
one word
break up, cerai
and all those fuck shits
why cant everything be peaceful?
my family has been experiencing the same thing
earlier this year. my cousin whos a MALE went through a divorce.
because why?
his wife loved another man since LAST TIME?
OH WHY DID LAST TIME U CHOOSE TO MARRY MY COUSIN
U HAVE 2 KIDS SOME MORE
THE FIRST GREAT GRANDSON MY GRANDPARENTS HAD
AND U DARE TO SAY THIS NOW..
and and my auntie got a divorce too. cos her husband failed in his business
What the fuck? business is business. love is love. family is family
when ure at home put aside all those work related stuff
and guess what i just watch one movie where theres this 2 couple.
and its about having an affair and breaking up and divorce too.
OH its like my favourite word now
the moral of the story is
FOR THE FIRST SCENARIO
think about your kids first bitch. you're married. supposed to put others aside and always place ur kids first or u can say family first. happiness is another issue. grow up
FOR THE SECOND SCENARIO
ah dont wanna say. her husband wasnt a gentleman
FOR THE THIRD SCENARIO
if my future wife is having an affair, of course i am gonna get upset. i will be alone for dunno how many days or week but will finally realise when i see tears and unhappiness in my childrens eyes. for that i will give up my happiness for theirs. even though it will be awkward for me and my future wife that is
ONE WORD PEOPLE;
SACRIFICE "
That post, was written by Sufi Hakim on his blog. My dear friend, who claimed he has lost it and he wants to find his 'cure' soon. I cried reading his post. I cried on and on. Somehow, i was once like that.
Whatever it is, i hope you're okay. Shit happens. But that doesnt mean you'd have to stop and let it lead you. I've told you, "Kadang kalah, Allah menyembunyikan matahari. Meninggalkan kami dengan geruh dan petir." I feel like you need someone. And i'm always here okay? Insyaallah, everything will get better okay syg?
Ya Allah, please guide and protect your human creations from all these insanity and chaos. Too many eclipses and natural disasters in a lifetime is not a good sign.
Ya Allah, please guide my friend, lessen his burden. Please.
Sufi syg, the truth is, the 'cure', it's within you. Hatred won't bring you joy. You just have to calm down, and look at everything else that you and your family have gone through together. Realize that you are not alone. Show empathy. Try to put yourself in other's shoes and understand them.
Sometimes things don't go our way but that doesn't mean you should punish ourselves and cry and be sad. There's things in life that we don't have control over. But these things makes us stronger because we can only control ourselves to feel.
I love you Sufi Hakim, don't delude yourself. I'll be here for you okay? I'll always pray for you. Yakinlah kepada Allah.
Assalammualaikum.
