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Monday, October 12, 2009, 2:25 AM
Unbelievable.
Days have been pretty mundane. I mugged a little, and i did a lot of watching of the telly today.
There's so many things i've noticed today. Maybe i've changed, maybe you've changed. I don't know. Whatever it is, i'll accept it. It'll happen sooner or later, i'm not afraid. Just don't know if i'll be prepared.
As much as i'm carefree it seems i'm always stuck in inferno hell, always landing in problems.
Tatawu la, these few days i've been pretty emotional. I get upset and frustrated easily. My mood seem to swing as though it is a pendulum, always changing, to and fro. I'll get angry for no reason and i'll fuss over the slightest change or problem.
What's wrong with me? Am i the one pressing on the issue or is everyone just trying to test my patience? If this is a test, i feel like i'm giving up. I hope it stops cause it's making me feel useless already.
Everyone has been pointing out my flaws as if i don't already know the problem. My mum can't seem to trust me anymore and brother is forever sticking his nose into my problems.
Hais. Ade problem aje, no one to confide in. Tk sukenye. I have to have faith, i have to keep trying. Harus yakin kepade Allah, selalu bersabar. I have to.
Ashhy,
I can very well differentiate between right and wrong. As a friend you shouldn't be labeling me a hypocrite or unreasonable. If I was, you should've have guided me instead, you should have told me in a bigger picture. Instead, you made me feel guilty, like a sinner. You treated me as if I was not your friend. You never fail to make me feel this way. Your words, their always so hurtful that most of the time, i smile and talk loudly with you because i fear that you'll do it again and there would be no one to help me forget the issue and make me feel better. Is it so wrong for me to hate someone? When I hated H, it was because of you, it was because she made you upset, she killed your heart. And she was your own friend, whom you trusted whole-heartedly. I began to dislike her even though she had a pretty face. She looked a part but looks don't tell the truth. And because i saw the misery and hurt she had caused you, I felt that though I did not know her, I hated her for what she did to you. I hated her because I placed myself in your shoes. Instead, you said i was a bitch for hating her. Maybe i shouldn't get too attached to your life, stop getting involved in all your emotions cause you keep doing the same thing, shun me off. I hate being pushed away. But this time, i'm the victim and i deserve to feel what i feel. You don't know how it feels, so don't just say i'm unreasonable. I'm not unreasonable. I never dissed her or never have i hurt her in any way. My heart may have a thousand words but i only left it to feel. If feeling this hatred is so wrong to you. Then i should just be you instead of myself. You ape telling me what to feel.
You point this out to me at the wrong time, you know i've not been emotionally sane these weeks or months. If my words have made you feel apart, i'm sorry. You'd have to empathize and feel how i feel too. I said this not because i wanted to get back at you, i'm opening up to you.
I've been praying to Allah for guidance, Alhamdullilah, nothing big has occured and i'm handling situations optimistically.
I'll be having my History paper and English paper tomorrow, I gotta rest.
Hopefully, everything will be okay, InsyaAllah.
To everyone else who's handling their Promo's too, good luck :)
Assalammualaikum.
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